I think I’m finally getting it. Little by little. You don’t have to rub it in, though. I’m not that over you yet. Moving on could be the hardest if you are the only one who knows about it, and you are the only one who fell in the first place.
I hate myself for actually spending time thinking about you and what could have been. Tonight, I let you go and set myself free from my what ifs.
You are the reason I wonder how life could be like if I lived it differently.
Have you ever felt that someone should have been born 5 years earlier? That you should have met him 13 years ago? Or even 8. That although you know you have given up what could have been, you miss him still anyways.
Engagements, weddings, babies everywhere. Im starting to get jealous.
I just want to feel that you are proud of me.
Im having the weirdest sleeping habits for a week now and I’ve never felt as restless before. I don’t know which to blame- my new meds, my overly stressful deadlines, problematic people, my recurring fight to possibly clinical.depression. Whenever I slip away from being responsible, I always feel the need to explain myself to avoid misconceptions about me. But this just gets as tiring too.
My niece from a cousin gave birth to my fourth grandson yesterday. She’s 20. I’m 26. And I’m shit scared. It is starting to dawn on me that I might be running out of time building my own family while I am here stuck trying to figure out how to be the person God wants me to be. I cry a little every time I see videos of babies in social media, being very cute, cuddly and smart. I cringe at the idea of bringing a person to this world but my heart melts wondering how amazing that person could be.
And so for my first born and to all my kids, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I and your dad are still work in progress. Being in our mid 20s we are still in this crazy journey of finding and molding ourselves to be of service to the Lord and to the world, trying to keep optimism that we bring a change to humanity.
I’m sorry you wouldn’t come into these days that my whole family still lives under one roof and having catching ups over dinners are easy. I’m sorry you’ll miss the chance growing up with Clark and Chloe and have that love-hate relationship cousins develop every play time. I’m sorry that on your first years in school Lolo and Grandma will be a bit older and may not be the ones to give you a bath everyday.
I cannot promise that at the time you are with me, I will be in my best self. But it would be the version of me who would wholeheartedly devote her life as your mother, who would, at all cost, love you dearly.
Please know that when I hold you for the first time in the delivery room, it’s a promise of a lifetime love and protection.
That when you go home crying because you hurt your toes I’ll be ready with a band aid, or a gauze, and a candy because I know we both think it’s the best remedy to wounded toe.
That I’ll have circles around my eyes every time you get afraid of the monsters under your bed.
That I’ll be the most active stage mom making you costumes, helping you practice and cheering you on from your first performance at school til the last one my breathe would permit me to witness.
That though with tears in my eyes, I’ll be there in your first heartache. When you feel lost, defeated and wounded, I’ll be the first person to remind you of your worth.
That when you finish school, we’ll celebrate your dreams.
That when you walk down the aisle, I promise to work hard to be there. That I’ll take care of myself to be there.
We’ll have dinners every night, play time after your home works, fighting once in a while, gift giving every milestones, swimming every month, badminton every weekend and mass every Sunday. We’ll know God together and we’ll live your life by His words.
But for now, like what He tells me everyday, be patient. I’m excited to know you.
We’ll meet you in God’s perfect time. 🙂
What do I do when I find my dreams realize in someone else’s life who doesn’t even dreamed for that dream?
This year has been one hell of a ride. At the beginning, God finally unfolded my purpose in life. I haven’t stopped looking forward to fulfilling it ever since. But now nine months have passed, and still I feel like I haven’t done anything. Everyday is a constant validation of my willingness and effort to put myself one step closer to achieving it.
I don’t want to be impatient about it. Since I waited four years to acquire answers from my questions. Sometimes I just can’t understand how and why opportunities unfold infront of someone else. Why do those wander off?
Nine days ago I came back to my home country after a 14 day emotional roller coaster trip to California. And now I am in my hotel room in a far flung province for a 10 day site profiling trip.
But right at this very moment, I want to stay in my room, do my nails, organize my clothes and do piles of them, some of which I will donate to whoever needs them.
It’s hard to find myself these days. I can’t wait to just be me. Not the responsible engineer me.