Lately I’ve been thinking about my life. Being in my mid- 20s, I think I am in that point I should stop saying, “Oh in a few years I will be, I plan on being a, I would want to be” but rather face the fact that it is time for me to actually do such things. It is time for me to actually know my purpose.
I want to be a teacher, a life coach, an interior designer, a performer, a dancer, a writer, an artist. Andami ko nang ginustong maging na hindi naging ako.
I am 25, done earning my degree and my license a few years back, been serving my country as a professional helping out urban schools for two and a half years, been providing for my family, established a business and been helping my employees. When I do try to enumerate the things I’ve done so far over the last years I can say that, yes, I may have already done something.
But always, I know I haven’t done enough.
And always, I end up feeling empty. Especially when I get to see my boss at work (which actually takes up most of time), I can see that all he thinks of me is that incompetent lady who, instead of being a mediocre engineer, should have just pursued her other passions. I know how I sound like- insecure, inferior. This was what the university made me, instead of making me strong, I felt defeated. Learning one’s purpose is tricky. In some point in your life you are lead to a path, the next few years it appears you are lead to another. I thought my life’s purpose is to be an engineer, and so even though it was really difficult to be one, I stuck to it. Years after, it started to feel like poison.
But being a The Feast goer and God’s words listener, little by little I get to understand His plans.
“Be at peace with everyone.” And yourself not excluded. Forgive yourself. Forgive that young lady who decided the path you would be taking for the next 40 years of your life. And forgive her for not giving that path up even until now. Forgive that young lady who messed up big time in her academics, forgetting all her other passions and capabilities. Forgive that young lady who just went with the flow just because she was already too afraid to come up again with bad decisions. Give her a slack, be at peace with everyone, be at peace with her.
Validate. Never define your worth based on what one and only one person thinks of you. It is not your mom’s, your dad’s, your siblings’, your neighbors’, your relatives’ nor your boss’ job to make you discover your worth to the world. It isn’t self imposed either. Your worth is something that has to be worked on by you yourself. And the step is too simple. Always fill your heart with God’s love and let it overflow, then love others. Validate through God’s love. Then, then that’s when your meaning to the world will unfold itself.
It’s okay. When you didn’t get any sleep because you wanted to give your boss a significant report, when what you only ate for almost a week for dinner were bread and tuna to save up for your family’s needs, when you know you did all that you could possibly do, but in return what you got was the impression that you were never enough, it’s okay. When the whole world fails to acknowledge what you have done, and still points out that you are so far away from being good even, it’s okay.
Despite these heartbreaking harshness of reality, keep your heart whole.
Because even when no one seems to notice your hard work and sacrifices, He does. Even when you thought you couldn’t trust yourself anymore, He does. Even when it is hard to believe that there is still a better tomorrow, He does. Even when you found yourself hard to love, He does.
Keep your heart whole to receive His love.
Although I’m not getting any younger and I still have to figure out how exactly I would like to spend the rest of my life and discover my true purpose, I trust in Him. He will guide me to the best path for me to be able to give back to the world. May that be as a teacher, an artist or a life coach, He will lead me to that. As a human, I’m still scared, honestly. But through these years, He always assures me of His presence and I believe that though I may still be halfway to what I can still accomplish, for Him I am always already a champion.