The Last Five Times I Tried to Say Goodbye But I Couldn’t


When I knew.
When I got that unanticipated message.
Memories came into me like wind that blew into my hair, my roots, my leaves as I walked home.
It almost crippled me, but I warmed myself.
I was certain that, just like it, it would pass.
And I just wanted to reply with, “Okay.”

When I heard it.
When said right to my face.
You were leaving.
I looked at you with my indignant eyes.
Do not give up. Do not be silly.
You were tired. Who isn’t?
There was no reason to stay. Am I not?
But you’d made up your mind,
without batting an eye.
That I couldn’t do anything about it.
That you were happy to had come to that liberating decision.
That you actually felt glad upon having this opportunity.
I wanted to leave with a goodbye, with livid traces of the sharp misery.


When I begged.
When I asked for a few more days, a few more weeks, a few more love.
To show you that you weren’t the first to taste life’s hostility
And others devoured the challenge with a boundless fight.
Looking at you was what matters most in the world.
Looking at you seemed to be that one thing I was doing right.
Looking at you, I never thought, could suddenly be, at that moment, the most heartbreaking scene of my life.
But, still, let me look at you.
I couldn’t bid goodbye.

When I prayed.
When I uttered a plea of no words or voice.
I screamed, with silence, the hope of giving us relief of strength.
I whispered my resounding heartbeat trusting that whatever those rampant sounds desire He would be able to comprehend.
When one prays and cries at the same time, it was trusting that He would still listen.
And He would let me know that He decided what’s best.

I wanted you to stay,
yet I couldn’t keep you if it meant your body being crushed,
and your heart being unwilling,
for you had made it clear long before that you would do everything to be with the very person who holds your heart.
You had found your one great love, you said.
It hurt.
Like your eyes shutting no longer wanting to see me,
your head turning on the other side no longer wanting to rest on my shoulder,
your body freeing from my, I know still, warm embraces,
your hands slipping away from mine no longer yearning for my massages.
I lived each day knowing that you are that one person who would always care for me.
I lived a life knowing that whatever happens I got you.
But I looked at you as you walked away never to come back.
I tried to say goodbye and face the somber music.

When I…
When I…
I’m pleading God to finally give me this last “One”.
One time when I hear your name, see a picture of yours, remember your voice…
Or look at your grave,

I’d be able to say, with my sincerest and purest happiness, “Goodbye, Mama”.
Goodbye, Mama.


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