the idea of you.
Growing up, it had me wondering
Who my father runs to when he fails to remember how to repair a faucet at home
Who he asks for advice when he knows no longer how to fix a fight with a wife
Who he sees as a model in raising a family and in facing life.
I wanted to know you.
But I can’t keep asking my father for more stories, like funny loving exciting and magical bedtime stories before I sleep beside my parents at the age of 25 for I don’t want to waste time not being with them, one trait I surely didn’t get from you. Because stories of you are never about fun love excitement or magic. So stories of you had been kept for so long, and when he finally speaks of you, his heart cries and forgives. In that one moment he uttered the word, “Dad”, it was a language alien to his own tongue and a familiar ache in his heart.
For a while I imagined
your hand giving him a thumbs-up telling him you were satisfied to have seen him doing well in life.
your hand tap his back telling him that whatever there is to face in life, he will be alright.
your hand raised as a sign of a promise
but went left right, left right, left right.
I can never believe that even in that small world I created in my mind, my father still gets goodbyes.
That in that imagination, your face is just a blur and your heart just so bare.
I do not know you. I never had the chance to. But with all honesty Lolo I thank you.
I thank you because you not attending his high school graduation, and not to mention his wedding to my dear mom, he never misses a single birthday, a graduation, a holiday, a special occasion in my life.
I thank you because you showing that you have the liberty to be with another woman in your life, he loves my mother with all his heart, serves her well, treats her with respect.
I thank you because you leaving your family to “work” and coming back to my Lola when you were already sick, he too had the bravery to work away from his family for 16 years but went back without four children from another woman’s womb.
I thank you because you not showing him how a great father is like, I’m telling you, he learned how to be one.