I think I’m finally getting it. Little by little. You don’t have to rub it in, though. I’m not that over you yet. Moving on could be the hardest if you are the only one who knows about it, and you are the only one who fell in the first place.
I hate myself for actually spending time thinking about you and what could have been. Tonight, I let you go and set myself free from my what ifs.
You are the reason I wonder how life could be like if I lived it differently.
Have you ever felt that someone should have been born 5 years earlier? That you should have met him 13 years ago? Or even 8. That although you know you have given up what could have been, you miss him still anyways.
Engagements, weddings, babies everywhere. Im starting to get jealous.
I just want to feel that you are proud of me.
Im having the weirdest sleeping habits for a week now and I’ve never felt as restless before. I don’t know which to blame- my new meds, my overly stressful deadlines, problematic people, my recurring fight to possibly clinical.depression. Whenever I slip away from being responsible, I always feel the need to explain myself to avoid misconceptions about me. But this just gets as tiring too.
Nine days ago I came back to my home country after a 14 day emotional roller coaster trip to California. And now I am in my hotel room in a far flung province for a 10 day site profiling trip.
But right at this very moment, I want to stay in my room, do my nails, organize my clothes and do piles of them, some of which I will donate to whoever needs them.
It’s hard to find myself these days. I can’t wait to just be me. Not the responsible engineer me.
And it became a reality! Im going to Cali! 24 hours before my flight and instead of creating my presentation in Berkeley or packing my things, Im here writing my panic post. This is really happening- Im going to Cali and this wont be a tour. It’s gonna be work and it’s not gonna be easy. Please pray for me!
“Trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.”